Re: Sunday morning Humor

Kacyndra · #51 22-Sep-2005, 11:05

Gender Assignment
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

cable_guy_67 · #52 25-Sep-2005, 06:29

The Airline Agent

An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was cancelled due to a mechanical problem. As would have it, the airline left a single customer service agent with the monumental task of rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way past everyone else in line to the front of the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said "I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS!!"

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to help you but I've got to help these folks first, then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the other passengers behind him could hear,

"Do you have any idea who I am...??"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and made the following announcement "May I have your attention please..." she began, her voice echoing throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "$#&*! YOU..!!!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at the airline.

Out for a Walk

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this, all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

Listen for the Screams

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a flight are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

WaltP · #53 25-Sep-2005, 21:16

Thanks for keeping these going, CG. I find I'm looking forward to Sundays lately

This was a GOOD batch

Kacyndra · #54 30-Sep-2005, 09:58

What file extension are .you?
i am a .bak - "You are a life saver, but you're not alwasy around. Not enough people utilize your skills, becuase they think you're a waste of space"

http://www.bbspot.com/News/2004/10/extension_quiz2.php

Which OS are you?
Amiga OS - "Ahead of your time, You keep a lot of balls inthe air. If only your parents had given you more opportunities to succeed"

http://www.bbspot.com/News/2003/01/os_quiz.php

dsmith · #55 01-Oct-2005, 08:14

Thanks alot Kacyndra!

You have just helped me prove how worthless I really am! I ended up being Windows 95! From this day forward anyone that takes any bit of advice from me is absolutely insane!

For the record I am also a .bak file. Although after the O/S personality test I am .pissed! I even used Linux when I took the test for petes sake!

Quote:

You are Windows 95. You look better than your older brother but your communication skills are still lacking. You start well, but often zone out.

Hmmm.. On second thought that does sound a bit like me.

cable_guy_67 · #56 02-Oct-2005, 06:41

A Dog Wants an Office Job

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."

Magician and Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Genius Dog

A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step.

Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

"Clever, my behind," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

cable_guy_67 · #57 08-Oct-2005, 23:34

The Talking Dog

A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Golden Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten bucks."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap."

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

The Amish and the Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a fancy new mall for the first time in their lives. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but were especially impressed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into the small room.

The walls closed and the two watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son:

"Boy, go fetch your mother!"

Paramesh · #58 15-Oct-2005, 16:35

Conversation of William Knott and Mr Watt:

Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

A long pause, and then from Watt,
"Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."

You Left the talkers at a state where they were totally confused, read the rest of what happened...
Why not?
Huh? What do you mean why not?
Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
But I told you my name!
Didn't you say you will not?
Not not, knott, Will Knott!
That's what I mean.
So you know my name.
Of course not!
Good. So now, what is yours?
Watt. Yours?
Your name!
Watt's my name.
How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet.
You have been patient, what about me?
I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet.
Of course not!
See, you even know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
Because I don't.

[Pause]
What is your name?
See, you know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
To find out your name!
But you already know it!
What?
See, and you know mine!
Of course not!
Exactly!

Now they are at a point where both think the other knows their name, but they themselves dont know the other's name...
Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will be your answer?
Watt's my name.
No, no, give me only one word.
Watt
Your name!
Right!

[pause before it hits him]
Oh, Wright!
Yeah!
So why didn't you say it before?

I told you so many times!
You never said Wright before
Of course I did.
Ok I won't argue any more.
Do you know my name?
I do not.
Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
I do not!
Good!

[pause before it hits him]
Oh, Guud!
Good.
No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
No, it's Knott!
Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now
Guud.
Yes Wright.

Now they both think they know each others name as well..
Watt do you think ?? Do they or do they Knott?

All windows sounds in one file:
Listen to this. Mix of all the Windows sounds in one
flash file. U'll like it.

http://www.cothrun.com/gallery/album...indows_mix.swf

Paramesh.

crystalattice · #59 15-Oct-2005, 23:21

The "Windows Song" is humorous; the composer is quite talented.

cable_guy_67 · #60 16-Oct-2005, 11:44

A Boy's Confession ...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you little Tommy Shauhnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is".

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Surely I can't be tellin you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say Father.

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry Father, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed Father."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But You've sinned, and you must atone for your ways. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

Tommy answers, "Three months vacation and five good leads."

Fixing the Headstone

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

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