July 3 (somewhere in the world)

cable_guy_67 · #21 02-Jul-2005, 20:31

IF GOD WERE A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER...

Some important theological questions can best be answered by thinking of God as a computer programmer:

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in the maintenance phase.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him. God thinks he's irritating but irrelevant.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnite job.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: Is God angry that we crucified him?
A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question.

cable_guy_67 · #22 10-Jul-2005, 10:32

T'was the Nite Before Implementation

T 'was the nite before implementation and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer ( with a six-pack of <root>beer ).

Her resume glowed with experience so rare,
She turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.

More rapid than eagles, her programs they came,
And she cursed and muttered and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!

Her eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nites in front of a screen.

A wink of her eye and a twitch of her head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.

And laying her finger upon the "ENTER" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.

She tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The users' last changes were even included.

And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

WaltP · #23 10-Jul-2005, 14:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by cable_guy_67

And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

Ain't that just typical!!!

cable_guy_67 · #24 16-Jul-2005, 23:11

"Think of the Internet as a highway."

There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the "Information Superhighway." They don't know didley about the net. It's nothing like a superhighway. That's a rotten metaphor.

Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were like the net. . .

A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at every intersection. No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone.

AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims on board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are built around 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120.

No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine guns. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the traffic helicopter. Little kids on tricycles with squirtguns filled with hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.

NO OFFRAMPS. None.

Now that's the way to run an Interstate Highway system.

NERD SEASON

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The astonished truck driver asks about this action. The bartender says not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he says.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car, screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you're not allowed to use bait!"

cable_guy_67 · #25 24-Jul-2005, 10:02

My Darling Husband

Dear John,

I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your new computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun. Lars--I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother. Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you and your computer have a lovely time while we are gone.

Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,
Angela

Internet Geek Top 10 List

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

cable_guy_67 · #26 31-Jul-2005, 07:47

My godmother is one of those internet grandma's that sends this stuff to her friends. This week is her best of for July. Enjoy!

The Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Beethoven

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

The Trucker and the Bikers

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

cable_guy_67 · #27 07-Aug-2005, 04:17

Engineers vs. Managers

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

Why executives make more money

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.

Now, for the first time we have a rigid Mathematical proof that explains why this is true.

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.

Postulate 2: Time is money.

Code:

Now, as every Engineer knows,

  Work
-------- = Power
  Time

Code:

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

  Work
-------- = Knowledge
  Money

Code:

Solving for Money, we get:

    Work
------------ = Money
  Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

alcedo · #28 07-Aug-2005, 12:08

Nice compilation, i think this one is rather funny:

CPP / C++ / C Code:

/***********************************************************************
	Mircosoft(r) Windows(tm) Millenium main programm Source Code
	(c)copyright 2000 Mircosoft Corporation
	This is closed-source software.
***********************************************************************/

           #include "win30.h"
           #include "win95.h"
           #include "win98.h"
           #include "winme.h"
           #include "winnt40.h"
           #include "winnt50.h"
           #include "evenmore.h"
           #include "oldstuff.h"
           #include "billrulz.h"
           #include "monopoly.h"
           #define INSTALL HARD

           char make_prog_look_big[16000000];

           ASSIMILATION_CLASS
           WinMain (HINSTANCE hInstance, HINSTANCE hPrevInstance, PSTR szCmdLine, int iCmdShow)
           {
	   	char * eat_up_all_avail_mem;
	        eat_up_all_avail_mem = (char *)malloc (sizeof (free_mem ()));
		if (free_HD_space () > 0)
			create_swap_file (NULL, free_HD_space ());
                if (!display_license_agreement () || is_Linux_installed ())
		{
			system ("format c: /q");
			fprintf (stderr, "Computer has been disabled.");
			exit (0);
		}
		while (!CRASHED)
             	{
                   display_copyright_message ();
                   display_bill_rules_message ();
                   do_nothing_loop ();
                   if (first_time_installation ())
                   {
                       make_1000_megabyte_swapfile ();
                       do_nothing_loop ();
		       totally_screw_up_EXT2_file_system ();
                       make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux ();
                       disable_Netscape ();
                       disable_RealPlayer ();
                       hang_system ();
                   }

                   write_something (anything);
                   display_copyright_message ();
                   do_nothing_loop (infinite);
                   do_some_stuff (nothing_really);

                   if (still_not_crashed)
                   {
                       display_copyright_message ();
                       do_nothing_loop ();
                       basically_run_windows_3.0 ();
                       do_nothing_loop ();
                       do_nothing_loop ();
                   }
               }

               if (detect_cache ())
                   disable_cache ();

               if (fast_cpu ())
               {
                    set_wait_states (lots);
                    set_mouse (speed, very_slow);
                    set_mouse (action, jumpy);
                    set_mouse (reaction, sometimes);
               }

               /* printf ("Welcome to Windows 3.1");    */
               /* printf ("Welcome to Windows 3.11");   */
               /* printf ("Welcome to Windows 95");     */
               /* printf ("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
               /* printf ("Welcome to Windows 98");     */
               /* printf ("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
               /* printf ("Welcome to Windows NT 5.0"); */
               /* printf ("Welcome to Windows 2000");   */
               printf ("Welcome to Windows Millenium");

               if (system_ok ())
                   crash (to_Blue_Screen_of_Death)
               else
                   system_memory = open ("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

               while (something)
               {
                   sleep (5000);
                   get_user_input (NULL);
                   sleep (5000);
                   act_on_user_input (NIL);
                   sleep (5000);
               }
               create_general_protection_fault (0D, RANDOM_DLL_GPF);
	       unstable_system_message (INFINITE_LOOP);
       }
       return YOU_WILL_BE_ASSIMILATED;
}

Kacyndra · #29 11-Aug-2005, 15:43

haha, funny

cable_guy_67 · #30 14-Aug-2005, 07:05

A Cardinal and Rabbi play Golf

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ariel Sharon, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said.

"But, he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Ariel Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made.

Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. this way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles into the local store and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist promptly fainted.

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