Short and Sweet

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Quote:

Read this. It is a 100% challenge that u will have a wrong answer to the question asked in the passage.

Once there was loving couple travelling in a bus in a
mountainous area. They decided to get down at some
place. After the couple got down at some place the bus
moved on. As the bus moved on, a huge rock fell on the
bus from the mountain and crushed the bus to crumbs.
Everybody on board was killed.

The couple upon seeing that, said, "We wish we were on
that bus" Why do u think they said that?

Scroll down for answer









Come on think again .......













Come on try hard.....
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------------------- Answer !!!! -------------------

If they had remained on the bus instead of deciding to
get down, the resulting time delay could have been
avoided and the rock would have fallen after the bus
had passed ...!!!

Think positive in life always and look for
opportunities when u can help Others.

How to Bathe a Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

6. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

7. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

9. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Cat will return when hungry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

I tried this, but I have one question. How long does it usually take for the cat to get hungry? Haven't seen it for several days...

A few of my favorites for the road ...

Programming is an art form that fights back.

If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

Mark

Creators Admit Unix, C Hoax - report from early 90's

In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson, Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix operating system and C programming language created by them is an elaborate April Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years.

Speaking at the recent UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following: "In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T Multics project. Brian and I had just started working with an early release of Pascal from Professor Nicklaus Wirth's ETH labs in Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and power. Dennis had just finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy. As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating environment. We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more risque allusions.

Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped version of Pascal, called 'A'. When we found others were actually trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C.

We stopped when we got a clean compile on the following syntax:

for(;P("\n"),R=;P("|"))for(e=C;e=;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2);

To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension!

We actually thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science progress back 20 or more years. Imagine our surprise when AT&T and other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C!

It has taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody, but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the general Unix and C programmer.

In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly bad programming that has resulted from our silly prank so long ago.

Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft, Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time.

Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools, including the popular Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they had suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance their Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C.

An IBM spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a hastely convened news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000, merely stating 'VM will be available Real Soon Now'.

In a cryptic statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that P. T. Barnum was correct.

In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments. And IBM spokesmen have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is an internal prank gone awry.

Suggested earlier in another area of the forums:

Real Programmers Don't Write Specs
Tom Van Vleck

Real Programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to SPELL quiche! They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get.

Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do system programming.

Real Programmers aren't scared of GOTOs... but they really prefer branches to absolute locations.

Real Programmers don't write COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application programmers.

Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.

Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.

Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If they are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.

Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC... after age twelve.

Real Programmers can take the scissors off the phone cord.

Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.

Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the computer room.

Real Programmers don't do documentation. Documentation is for simps who can't figure out the listing.

Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories.

10/25/82

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Addendum:

Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.

Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the "Chief Programmer."

Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.

Real Programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate the corn is popping.

Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.

Real Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

This is funny:

Dunno if its true or what...but it sure is hilarious

While moving threads for the forum split LuciWiz found one that belongs here and deserves a bump.

Enjoy !!!

Haiku and the Art of Computing

In Japan, they are considering replacing
the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
Error messages with Haiku poetry messages.
Haiku poetry has strict construction rules:
Five Syllables, seven syllables, five syllables.

An Ill-Wind

Once upun a time in a town far away, there was a prediction of heavy snow overnight, but all they got was a light dusting of the stuff. During the night, however, the mattress factory caught fire, and so on top of the rather minor quantity of snow that fell across town, there were also burnt bits of mattress that had escaped into the air and settled down on the surface of snow all over. And so, you see, when the townsfolk woke up, expecting to see drifts and drifts and drifts, instead what they saw was the flurry with the singe on top.


Pun on the Fourth of July

A fellow and his wife in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where the people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife, "We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the Pledge of Alligence.

His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We are going to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane". Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compromise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.

As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling tricks on people who couldn't tell them apart. Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest in them. He would take one out on a date but he was never sure which one he was with. He decided he would marry one of them, or both if he could get away with it, but he wasn't sure which one he would marry, if he could only get one.

He went to the girls father and explained his quandry. "I love your daughters and want to marry one of them, but I can't tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you". "Give me Liberty or give me Beth".