Sunday morning Humor

cable_guy_67 · #1 10-Apr-2005, 07:53

Anyone have one of these in the garage?

put an eye out ->

WaltP · #2 10-Apr-2005, 10:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by cable_guy_67

Anyone have one of these in the garage?

put an eye out ->

Yeah, I just got one. It was last year's model so I got it cheap. I no longer have to heat the house using the furnace either. Probably should have put it in the basement though. The floor bends a bit from the weight.

Notice how portable it is? It comes with it's own steering wheel -- you can take it to work with you. But it won't fit under the Monitor Bridge, so I have to take the long route home.

cable_guy_67 · #3 15-May-2005, 06:43

A guide to find out if you really have a problem or are the problem.

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________

__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
__________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1 week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.

Div · #4 15-May-2005, 16:28

It is quite funny...but the prediction probably wasn't too far fetched at the time, as Moore's law hadn't been postulated just yet.

cable_guy_67 · #5 22-May-2005, 09:53

When I worked in Shreveport I met a guy named James that was an Oil Driller. He came to Philadelphia and worked for me for a while and used to tell jokes about Boudreaux and Tibodeaux to people in our little local bar. I thought I'd share one I heard him tell before he left for Louisiana. He had the gift of telling but since I don't I just thought I'd pass this one as I found it. Too get the full effect you have to picture James in his big floppy suede hat and long "zz-top" beard in West Philly telling these things to the locals.

Late for School

T-Boy Boudreaux walked into his fort grade class at Taunt Nu's Academy Des Les Enfants in Breaux Bridge 30 minutes late one morning. His teacher, Miss Clotile, fuss at him when he walk in late and disturb the class.

She say, "Mais Boudreaux, when you late like dis, you disturb you fellow students here. I tink you owe everybody an apology and an explanation why you so late today."

Well Boudreaux, being an otherwise good student, say to everybody, "Mais, I'm so sorry to disturb you wit me walking in late like dis, but I got a good reason."

Miss Clotile ask him to explain.

"Well, I'm late cause my daddy sleeps wit no clothes on," say little Boudreaux.

Taken aback by dis statement, Miss Clotile say, "Now Boudreaux, how in world would de fack dat you daddy sleep wit no clothes on make you late for school today?!"

Boudreaux says, "Miss Clotile, it's like dis. We been having dis fox go into our chicken coop jus bout every night dis week, and my daddy said he done had enough of dat fox killing and eating our chickens. He went down to the big ole Wal-Mart store in Lafayette de udder day and bought him one of dose twice-barrel shotguns. Well, sure enough, that next night we all heard a big commotion coming out of the chicken coop at around 3 o'clock in the morning. Dat ole fox was back for mo'. Daddy him, he jump out of bed and run to the kitchen where he kept his shell for that big ole shotgun and started to load it up. I was up too and saw daddy standing there wit that shotgun buck naked, cause he woke up like dat. I tell him to put some clothes on hisself, but he tell me, 'Ain't got time for dat, T-Boy! I'm gonna go blow dat fox's head clean off!' Well, daddy goes outside, and figure he better creep up on that fox in chicken coop so he don't scare him away. He get down on his hands and knees and starts crawlin up the chicken coop. Just about dis time, my ole hound dog, Cletus, see daddy crawling up next to dat chicken coop and figure he gonna go check it out. He come out from unda da porch, goes up to daddy jus as he's slipped dem 2 barrels into the door of the chicken coop, and puts his cold nose right up the crack of daddy's big naked butt and kapow! We all been cleaning up dead chickens since 3 o'clock dis morning Miss Clotile, and dats why I'm late for school!"

By: Shane Gros - Mobile, Alabama

cable_guy_67 · #6 28-May-2005, 22:33

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa

2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope

3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West.

4. During each traverse
a. Catch each animal seen
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those who do.

Operations research consultants can measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant hunting strategies, if someone else will identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff will try to ensure that all elephants are completely pre-hunted before he sees them. If the vice president sees a non-pre-hunted elephant, the staff will:

(1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."